
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/5766616.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Harry_Potter_-_Fandom
  Relationship:
      Draco_Malfoy/Harry_Potter, Harry_Potter/Draco_Malfoy, Harry/Draco, Draco/
      Harry, Potter/Malfoy, Malfoy/Potter, romantic_thoughts_-_Relationship
  Character:
      Draco_Malfoy, Harry_Potter, Severus_Snape
  Additional Tags:
      Smut, First_Time, Romanticism, romantic, Occlumency, Legilimency,
      Legilimens, Occlumens, Magic, love_hate, love_from_hate
  Stats:
      Published: 2016-01-19 Chapters: 2/? Words: 1744
****** State of Mind ******
by ccleverr
Summary
     Potter begins Occlumency lessons with Snape, and isn't successful
     right away. Snape isn't one to keep secrets from his students.
     AU in which Draco is a bit of a double-agent, like Snape.
     I'm honestly not sure where this is headed. Any advice/feedback is
     greatly appreciated.
Notes
See the end of the work for notes
***** Chapter 1 *****
Harry stepped into the dark office, shivering slightly from the suddenly drafty
air. He looked around, realizing quickly that Professor Snape wasn't there. 
In all honesty, he had no idea what this lesson would entail. Dumbledore sent
him here because he deemed it necessary, but Harry hadn't had much time to
research Occlumency before his appointment with the Potions professor. 
As Harry was about to turn around and forget it entirely, Snape burst into the
room, shouting a word Harry hadn't heard before: "Legilimens!"
The experience was unlike anything prior. Harry suddenly felt as though his
thoughts were not his own. Memories were dragged up from the darkest corners of
his mind, as if being pulled from an archive. Scenes zoomed past; Snape's own
thoughts were definitely present in controlling the speed at which the memories
were presented to Harry's consciousness. 
"Stop," Harry growled weakly. Snape only laughed and pressed further. Memories
of his first meeting with Hagrid in the shack on the island filled his mind,
and then visions of a life-size game of chess, and then lying in a hospital bed
healing from minor wounds suffered in the Chamber of Secrets. In a moment,
Harry could feel his thoughts instantly returned to him, no longer guarded by
the man looming over his thin frame.
"How did that feel?" Snape demanded to know.
Harry drew in a breath, letting it out slowly, gathering his thoughts. "Like...
I couldn't control what I was seeing... Like I was remembering things whether I
wanted to or not."
Snape nodded, his permanently disgusted sneer still plastering his face. "And
what do you think I saw?"
"I think you saw everything I was seeing, like they were your own memories."
Harry was certain of this.
Snape didn't nod, but seemed to accept this answer. "If the Dark Lord is able
to reach your mind, what do you think he would find?"
Harry hesitated. "I don't know. I s'pose he'd see memories of my parents and of
my friends." He paused, thinking. "Why does that matter?"
"Foolish boy; I knew you'd be dense. If the Dark Lord knows who is closest to
you, how do you think he'll use that information? How do you think he'll use
information about your whereabouts, who you spend your time with, what
information you yourself have at hand? Do you honestly think he will infiltrate
your mind for his own entertainment? Do not be so naive."
Harry scowled. "I get it. That isn't what I meant... I just... Well, doesn't
Voldemort have other ways to get that information? Why does he need to get it
from me?"
"If you'd just think for a moment before opening your mouth..." Snape trailed
off. "The most accurate information comes from your mind, Potter. The easiest
way for him to attack you is to attack your mind. You must be able to defend
your thoughts against this infiltration."
"How?" Harry growled in frustration, trying to comprehend such a confusing
task. 
Snape rolled his eyes. "Occlumency."
"Right," Harry said. "What?"
Snape huffed, explaining, "The art of remembering someone else's thoughts is
known as Legilimency. The defense is Occlumency. The word 'Occlumens-' either
spoken or thought- when used properly, will put up the proper barriers in your
mind to defend yourself against Legilimens."
At the word, Harry flinched, half expecting his mind to be controlled again. 
"This time you will have warning," Snape drawled. "I will use Legilimency
against you, and you must defend yourself. If you have proper control over your
mind, this shouldn't be difficult."
Harry sighed. 
"I'll start." Snape warned. "Legilimens."
Harry closed his mind, trying to keep it blank, but it was
impossible.Occlumens, he thought. Occlumens. Hopeless. Images flashed before
his eyes- his first birthday, the only one with his parents- flying a broom for
the first time- making out with Cho in the Room of Requirements- watching Draco
strip in the Quidditch locker rooms-
Snape pulled out of Harry's mind. When Harry opened his eyes, he saw a smirk on
Snape's face. 
"Interesting," Snape sang. It occurred to Harry suddenly what a memory like the
last one Snape saw might mean. 
"I didn't choose to bring that memory up, Professor- any of those thoughts,"
Harry reminded him darkly, trying to stop the heat from creeping into his
cheeks. 
Snape ignored him. "As usual, Potter, you overestimate your abilities. For your
first time practicing occlumency, did you really think you'd be able to combat
it silently? Try again."
"Professor-" Harry cut in before Snape could begin. "Are you- is the person
infiltrating my mind- able to read my thoughts?"
Snape hesitated, a flash of surprising thoughtfulness contrasting his stoic
features. "Thoughts are not read word for word. And what are thoughts, really?"
Harry wasn't sure if he was supposed to answer. Snape answered before he had
the chance to think. "Thoughts are your emotions attached to memories. In that
manner of speaking, your thoughts can be read."
Harry wasn't sure if he understood, but he nodded and closed his eyes. Snape
spoke the word, and again, images were brought forth. 
"Occlumens," Harry spoke immediately, imagining a barrier at the forefront of
his mind. This time, the memories stuttered and faded, but they were there.
"Occlumens."
Hermione dancing at the Yule Ball, Ron grinning at him over piles of decimated
wrapping paper, Cedric's dead body in Harry's arms... Harry could feel what
Snape was saying, suddenly. There were feelings attached to them- feelings
which he was certain Snape could feel as strongly as Harry could. Harry didn't
want Snape to feel those things, so he said the word again- "Occlumens," more
strongly this time. His mind became a pastel kaleidoscope- a blizzard of over-
exposed images. Faded images occasionally paused or brightened, focusing enough
for Snape to understand what they meant. 
Harry tripping over a root in the Forbidden Forest, feeling tense...
opening the door to the Burrow, feeling overjoyed and content...
watching Malfoy fly in a Hufflepuff-Slytherin game, feeling impressed and in
awe...
laughing while braiding Hermione's hair for the first time, feeling stupid but
happy...
watching Sirius die, feeling heartbroken and completely shattered-
 
Snape pulled out of his thoughts once more. 
"You are not trying hard enough!" Snape exclaimed. Harry was hurt for a moment,
but instantly grateful when he realized Snape could've said something about
Draco appearing in his thoughts but instead decided to ignore it. 
He took a deep breath and said carefully, "I'm trying. I did better that time."
"Not good enough!" Snape demanded. 
"This is my first lesson," Harry reminded the professor. Snape sighed, sounding
unimpressed. Clearly that was not an excuse. 
"You must improve," Snape demanded, and it felt as if a stone had dropped in
Harry's stomach. He was a failure, and always would be to Snape. "I'll see you
next Tuesday."
Harry gaped at the Professor for a moment, then turned on his heel and left the
dungeon. 
 
 
***** Chapter 2 *****
Upon leaving his lesson with Snape, Harry immediately turned the corner and ran
into Malfoy.
"Watch it, Potter," Malfoy growled, pushing his hands against Harry's chest and
striding past. Harry rolled his eyes. 
Malfoy continued into Professor Snape's office, breathing a sigh of relief at
the feeling of cool air on his pale skin. 
"Ah, Malfoy. You've decided to turn up."
Malfoy didn't move from his place near the door. He maintained a cool air of
disinterest while looking at his Head of House, but internally he felt entirely
uncertain about what he was doing here.
"You said you could help me," Malfoy reminded him, hoping he didn't sound too
needy.
Snape nodded curtly, "That I can."
Malfoy paused. "Well?"
"Tell me what you feel," Snape urged suddenly.
"Excuse me?"
"You said you feel as though the Dark Lord is looking into your mind. Tell me
what he sees." 
"Not much. School, I imagine. My conversations with you. Dumbledore's attempts
at being friendly with me-"
"Would you like to know what I think the Dark Lord sees?"
Draco shook his head, still attempting to appear unfazed.
"Fear."
Draco didn't let an expression reach his face, and he didn't move. To Snape,
this was all the confirmation he needed. 
"Legilimens," Snape said calmly. 
Draco braced himself, unprepared for what he was about to experience. The
memory of mild arousal from his recent contact with the Potter boy, a fluttery
sensation startling his heart; shame at his father scolding him for befriending
a girl from Ravenclaw who apparently was not from a particularly wealthy
family; shock from nearly falling off his broom at his last Quidditch match;
dismay from an attack by Voldemort, leaving Draco cursing himself through
silent sobs on a bathroom floor-
Snape left Draco's mind. 
"How odd," he murmured. Draco met his eyes, seeing an amused expression on the
normally unimpressed professor.
"Did you-" Draco cut himself off, hesitant to ask the question. "Were you able
to see all of that?"
Snape nodded solemnly. Draco redirected his thoughts and asked another
question. "The Dark Lord can see all of that- feel all of that?"
Snape nodded again, shifting his gaze to the floor, suddenly feeling a moment
of worry for the boy. 
"You must protect me," Draco practically pleaded. 
Snape sneered, and explained bitterly, "The word is Occlumens." 
Draco nodded, understanding immediately. Snape sneered, calling to mind his
recent lesson with the daft Potter boy. How Malfoy contrasted him so.
Interesting that they both appeared in the thoughts of one another.
Without a word, Professor Snape infiltrated Draco's mind. The student could
feel it immediately, bracing his mind for the attack. 
Harry's name flying out of the goblet, feeling instant worry; feeling anxious,
lounging coolly in the Slytherin common room, putting on a show of absolute
calm in front of his peers-
"Occlumens," Draco spoke the word, trying to let it have some effect on the
images. The images stuttered and started again, this time slower and more hazy.
The feeling of jealousy at seeing the Potter boy receiving a message from his
owl at dinner; frustration from sitting in a class with Lockhart, the fool;
fear from feeling his Dark Mark burn like embers scalding his flesh; sorrow
after Voldemort left his mind last night, wishing he wasn't so easily
readable. 
Snape stopped. "Better. You are dismissed."
Draco furrowed his brow in confusion at the lack of comment on Professor
Snape's part, but knew better than to dispute the professor after he'd already
been dismissed. Draco left. 
End Notes
     My first Drarry fic. Please tell me what you think! Not sure how long
     this will be yet... stay tuned! (Feedback generally encourages me to
     update more often.) :)
Please drop_by_the_archive_and_comment to let the author know if you enjoyed
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